Getting Help with Family Problems

I desperately need some advice. I have nowhere else to turn. My family doesn’t understand, they’ve become very judgmental. I hope you will be able to help me make sense of it all and figure out what I should do. Please help me.

I have been threatening divorce to my husband for years. He is an alcoholic. I have put up with his drinking for years and years and years, and don’t want to do it any longer. That's not all. We also have a son who is ADHD. So between them both, it's been a long, hard ride and I've come to the point where I just want to stop the ride and get off.

He blames me for his drinking. I blame him cuz I haven't forced him to drink, he does it on his own! We've fought over and over again about how to raise our son. My husband Jerry has his own views and ways and I have mine. I have tried to be as lenient with Jerry as I can because our son has always been difficult to handle, even as a baby. I couldn't spank him when he was little and threw his fits, he was just a baby. I couldn't discipline him when he became a little older because I figured I'd be spanking him continuously, he was always cantankerous and hard to handle. My husband on the other hand, would try to discipline him and then I'd get upset and pretty soon we'd all be upset and fighting, then he would go get a drink to try and forget our problems in dealing with our son.

Our household knows no peace. Our son screams at us, rants and raves when he doesn't get his way, so we gradually just let him have it because this settles him down faster and is easier than continuing the battle between us all.

This has been going on for 13 years now. Our son Cody is 13. He’s been in trouble off and on, minor incidents. And my husband has been in trouble too. He's had his license suspended for DWI, lost a job, and he's been put in detox overnight after another one of his episodes of drunkenness.

Right now, I am seriously considering getting drunk myself. I found out the other day I am pregnant. What should I do? What would you do? Should I divorce my husband? How can I now, now that I’m pregnant again?

Thank you,

Distressed

When I read your letter, it's very obvious to me there is an evil spirit bent on doing one thing and one thing only, trying to destroy the family unit. I am sorry about your woes, they are very grievous. This is something that started off so small and gradual and over time grew into a monster.

First, about your son. Children need discipline and actually thrive on it - this is something you need to learn quickly. It's not too late for your son, but he's in those years where it can be very dangerous for him if you and your husband don't act quickly and start showing him who's boss. The sooner he learns that he's not, the quicker you will gain control and the stronger your family unit will become. You will have to force yourself to bite the bullet and do it, for everyone's sake!

I believe once you being practicing the first step above, things will begin to fall into place with your husband. His drinking seems to be his way of dealing with a family out of control. He's lost his place at the head of the family. Let him have it back! You mentioned he had tried disciplining your son, but you became upset. You need to get a grip on yourself and let him do what he needs to do, which is give your son the discipline he so desparately needs. It's obvious you aren't going to do it. And someone must. Learn that and you will become a better wife and mother.

Once this has been established, you will see things begin to turn around gradually. Just as it became a problem gradually, the new process will also be gradual. But take comfort in the fact that this change in the family dynamics will eventually bring the law and order and peace you are all craving.

I am including below a poem I received from one of my readers a few years back. It was written for parents such as yourself, but from a child's perspective. I think it's very poignant and believe it will help reinforce everything I have advised for you and will touch your very heart, just as it has mine.

Good luck to you and your family. And never let yourself forget that every small step you take now will be well worth it and you'll soon be reaping the benefits for years to come! - Gabby Gail

mommy and daddy i love you so

you are everything to me as you already know

when i was born i brought you delight

we became a family it was all so right

God gave you to me on that fine day

to lead guide me and show me the way

you watched me grow and change each day

before you knew it i was out to play

but things seem to have gotten a bit confused

when i started walking in your shoes

each day i tell you what i will do

when God left that part up to you

i can’’t figure life out on my own

so don't give me all this freedom to roam

i tell you ‘no’ when you should be telling me

just put me in place, we’ll make it, you’ll see

you are my parents, my strong ones, my life

We need to get rid of all of this strife

momma and me by day we fight

i am ready for night when we cuddle up tight

i'm sorry daddy i took your place

beside your wife at night

but i can adjust, it’s not too late

just please let's get it right

and when i kick you and scream

all i'm trying to say

is i need some boundaries, a circle

so i will know where i can stay

a kid like me needs all the help he can get

so let's get started, things will get better yet

draw me a circle and put me in

when i get out, start over again

if you need to correct me just stop and do

because when you don't, then i won't respect you

things will be better just wait and see

we'll be a much happier family

just don't give up on me

get down on your knees

i dare you to discipline

may God help you please